How to choose a partner according to the Bible
Choosing whom to share your life with is one of the most important decisions a person can make. Much depends on it: the happiness of the home, the upbringing of children and even spiritual growth. Yet it is often made in a hurry, guided only by attraction, loneliness, social pressure or fear of being alone. The Bible offers no magic formula for finding the “perfect person”, who by the way does not exist, but it does give clear principles and real examples that help us choose wisely. In this article we will look at what to look for, what to avoid, what biblical stories teach us and how to live a courtship that honours God.
First, your relationship with God
Before asking who the right person is, it is worth asking what kind of person we are becoming. Jesus taught: “seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). Someone who finds their identity and security in God chooses more freely, without the desperation of expecting another person to fill a void only God can fill. No partner can be your saviour; only Christ is.
The principle of the yoke
The Bible’s most direct advice about choosing a partner is this:
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”
2 Corinthians 6:14
The yoke was the wooden beam that joined two animals to plough together. If one pulled one way and the other another, the work became impossible and painful. Marriage is a yoke: two people walking together in the same direction. If faith in Christ is the centre of your life, joining yourself to someone who does not share it means that in the most important things you will pull in different directions: raising children, using money, the Lord’s day, moral decisions. That is why the Bible advises marrying “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39), with someone who also follows Christ.
Character is worth more than appearance
When Samuel went to anoint a new king, he was impressed by the height of Eliab, David’s eldest brother. But God told him: “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature… for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Attraction is a natural part of love, but it is not enough to sustain a marriage. Proverbs says it unforgettably:
“Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Proverbs 31:30
Beauty changes with the years; character remains. Look for someone with the fruit of the Spirit: “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Galatians 5:22-23).
Isaac and Rebekah: prayer and character
When Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac, the servant prayed for a specific sign: that the right young woman would offer water not only to him but also to his camels (Genesis 24:12-14). Ten thirsty camels could drink hundreds of litres; a woman who did that would show generosity, diligence and kindness to a stranger. Rebekah did it without being asked. The servant was not looking only for beauty, though Rebekah was beautiful, but for a servant heart. And the whole process was wrapped in prayer and in seeking God’s will. Read the story of Isaac.
Ruth and Boaz: integrity and honour
The story of Ruth is one of the most beautiful love stories in the Bible. Boaz noticed Ruth not for her wealth or position —she was a poor foreign widow— but for her loyalty to her mother-in-law Naomi and her hard work in the field. Ruth, in turn, found in Boaz a generous, protective and respectful man, who treated her with honour and followed the right path before the community to marry her. Boaz told her: “all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman” (Ruth 3:11). Her reputation spoke for her. From that union would come the grandfather of King David and, in his line, Jesus Christ. Read the story of Ruth.
Samson: the warning
Samson had extraordinary strength, but he chose his partners only by what his eyes saw. He told his father of a Philistine woman: “Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well” (Judges 14:3). Later he fell in love with Delilah, who betrayed him for money, and he ended up blind and a prisoner. His story is a warning: attraction without character, without shared values and without seeking God can lead to ruin. Solomon, the wisest of men, also went wrong: his many foreign wives “turned away his heart after other gods” (1 Kings 11:4). Read the story of Samson.
What to look for in a partner
A living faith, not just in name, visible in daily life. Good character: honesty, humility, patience, self-control. How they treat others: their parents, waiters, children, people who can give them nothing. That is how they will treat you in time. How they handle anger and conflict: do they apologise? do they listen? do they shout, insult or punish with silence? Responsibility: at work, with money and with commitments. Shared values: about faith, family, children, money and life goals. Friendship: the best marriage is built on deep friendship, not only on passion.
Red flags
Some signs must not be ignored, however strong the attraction: violence that is physical, verbal or emotional; excessive control (checking your phone, isolating you from family and friends, deciding for you); obsessive jealousy; frequent lies; untreated addictions; disrespect for you or your faith; sexual pressure or contempt for your boundaries. Don’t marry thinking the other person will change after the wedding. True love neither humiliates nor frightens (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). If you are in a violent relationship, seek help; in Colombia you can call the emergency line 123.
Listen to the counsel of others
“Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established” (Proverbs 15:22). Infatuation sometimes clouds our sight. Listen to your parents, mature friends and your pastor. If several people who love you see red flags, take them seriously. Many churches also offer premarital courses that help couples get to know each other better and prepare for marriage.
Without haste and with purity
The Song of Songs repeats one piece of advice three times: “that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please” (Song of Solomon 2:7). Love needs time to mature. Getting to know each other in different situations —in joy, under stress, with family, with friends— reveals who the other person really is. And living courtship in purity guards the heart, allows you to get to know each other without confusing passion with love, and honours God. Read What the Bible says about sexual sin.
If you are single
Singleness is neither a failure nor a waiting room. Jesus was single, and Paul taught that singleness can be a gift that allows one to serve God freely (1 Corinthians 7:7, 32-35). Live this season with purpose, cultivate your relationship with God, serve others and do not settle for a relationship that draws you away from him out of fear of being alone. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company.
Loving as Christ loves
In the end, it is not only about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. Paul describes the model of Christian marriage: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25), and calls both to submit “one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). Look for someone with whom you can love like that, and prepare yourself to love like that. Read Marriage in the Bible and Love for your neighbour.
Questions to discuss before committing
Before taking the step of commitment, it is worth talking calmly about subjects many couples avoid: what place does God have in our lives, and which church do we want to belong to? Do we want children, and how will we raise them? How will we handle money, debt and saving? What relationship will we have with our families of origin? How will we resolve disagreements? What dreams and plans does each of us have? Talking about these things does not take away the romance; on the contrary, it builds a solid foundation for love. A couple who can talk honestly about difficult subjects before marriage will be better prepared to face the storms that will come after it.
Prayer
Lord, I confess that sometimes I am afraid of ending up alone, and that this fear has made me look where I should not. At other times I have clung to someone, asking of them what only you can give me. Today I place my heart in your hands, with its longing to love and be loved; you put it there. Come, Holy Spirit, and be my first companion, so that I choose not out of lack but out of peace. Give me eyes to see character before appearance, and courage to walk away from what harms me, even if it hurts. If in your will there is a person for me, prepare us both and make us walk towards you before we walk towards each other. And make me able to love as Christ loves: laying down my life. While I wait, teach me that with you I am already whole. Amen.