A prayer for our parents: honouring them in life and prayer

The years go by, and one day you notice that your mother walks more slowly. That your father tells the same story for the third time. That the hands that once held you now tremble as they pour the coffee. Or perhaps your story is different: you have not spoken to them for a long time; there are words that were never said, wounds that never closed. Or they are gone, and you would give anything for one more afternoon. In any of those places, there is a commandment that reaches us:

“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.”

Exodus 20:12

In this article we will look at what it means to honour our parents, how that honour changes with age, what Jesus taught and did, how to honour them when the relationship is difficult or there has been harm, and how to pray for them. At the end you will find prayers of thanksgiving, for elderly or sick parents, for reconciliation, for those who were hurt, for the son or daughter who is the carer, and for those who have already said goodbye.

What “honour” means

The Hebrew word we translate “honour” comes from a root meaning “to be heavy.” To honour someone is to give them weight: to treat them as important, to take them seriously. The opposite is to treat them as something light, something in the way, something that can be set aside. That is why honouring is not the same as idealising, or obeying in everything, or always agreeing. It is acknowledging the place they hold: through them life came to us, and no one else can say that.

It is striking where this commandment stands. The first ones speak of our relationship with God; the last ones of our relationship with our neighbour. This one is the bridge between them: the first neighbours we have are our parents, and the way we treat them says a great deal about how we treat God. Leviticus links it to reverence: “Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father” (Leviticus 19:3), and it puts the mother first.

The first commandment with a promise

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”

Ephesians 6:1-3

Paul stresses that this commandment carries a promise: “that it may be well with thee.” It is not a magic formula, as if those who care for their parents were spared all trouble. It is a law of life: a family and a society that honour their elders endure; those that discard them come apart. And there is something simpler still: your children are watching how you treat your parents. From that they will learn how to treat you.

Honouring at each stage of life

As children, to honour is to obey. “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord” (Colossians 3:20). Jesus himself, being who he was, went back to Nazareth with Joseph and Mary “and was subject unto them” (Luke 2:51).

As young people, to honour is to listen. “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: for they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head” (Proverbs 1:8-9). One can disagree and still listen with respect.

As adults, to honour is to respect and give thanks. An adult no longer owes a child’s obedience: they form their own home and make their own decisions. But they leave the house; they do not leave off honouring. The form changes: consulting, visiting, gratitude, closeness.

When they grow old, to honour is to care.

“Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old.”

Proverbs 23:22

A day comes when the roles are reversed: those who fed us need us to feed them. Scripture is very clear: children and grandchildren must learn “to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God” (1 Timothy 5:4). And it adds one of the hardest sentences in the New Testament: “if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8). God presents himself as the one who does not abandon in old age: “even to hoar hairs will I carry you” (Isaiah 46:4). To care for an elderly parent is to resemble God.

What Jesus taught and what Jesus did

Jesus defended this commandment against those who dodged it with pious excuses. In his day some people declared their goods “Corban,” that is, an offering to God, and so were released from helping their parents. Jesus was blunt: that is “making the word of God of none effect through your tradition” (Mark 7:13). No religious activity, no ministry, no offering replaces the duty to care for one’s parents.

And what he taught, he did. In the most terrible hour of his life, nailed to the cross, hardly able to breathe, he looked at his mother:

“When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.”

John 19:26-27

He was bearing the sin of the world, and he saw to it that his mother would not be left alone. If anyone ever had reason to say “not now,” it was he. He did not say it.

At the same time, Jesus put things in their order. “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). To honour our parents is not to put them in God’s place. When what a parent asks contradicts what God commands, the apostles’ word applies: “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). It is possible to say “no” respectfully.

Two examples to keep

Ruth cared not for her mother but for her widowed, embittered mother-in-law, and spoke to her words that still move us: “whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge” (Ruth 1:16). Honour extends also to parents-in-law, adoptive parents, grandparents and anyone who was a father or mother to us.

Joseph, governor of Egypt, sent for his aged father, went out to meet him, wept a long while on his neck, and “nourished his father, and his brethren, and all his father’s household” (Genesis 47:12). His success did not distance him from his own. Read Ruth, the faithful foreigner and Joseph, from slave to governor.

Practical ways to honour them today

1. Listen to them. Even to the story they have already told you. One day you would pay to hear it again.
2. Give thanks while they are alive. Say it in words, and with specific details: “thank you for the time when…” Flowers are of more use on the table than on the grave.
3. Give them your time. A call, an unhurried visit, a meal. It is what they value most and what we give least.
4. Provide in their need. Food, medicine, going with them to the doctor, fixing what they can no longer fix.
5. Speak well of them. Do not ridicule or belittle them in front of your children.
6. Be patient with their slowness and their forgetting. They were patient when you were learning to walk and talk.
7. Respect their dignity. As long as they are able, let them decide about their own life. Caring is not commanding.
8. Ask for their story and their blessing. Ask about their childhood, their faith, what they have learned.
9. Forgive. They were parents without a manual, carrying the wounds they brought with them.
10. Pray for them every day, and, if they are willing, pray with them.

And a word to brothers and sisters: share the load. The care of parents cannot always fall on the same person, nearly always a daughter. Honouring one’s parents includes supporting the one who looks after them.

When honouring is hard: parents who hurt us

Not everyone had parents who were easy to honour. Some grew up with abandonment, shouting, blows, alcohol, abuse. To them this commandment can sound like a second wound. So it must be said clearly what honouring is not.

Honouring is not denying what happened or calling evil good. It is not obeying what is sinful. It is not staying in a place where you are in danger, or exposing your own children. It is not pretending an affection that does not exist. If there was or is abuse or violence, safety comes first: seek help from people you trust and from professionals. Keeping a distance is not dishonouring.

What remains, then? What is in our hands: not returning evil for evil, not cursing, not living for revenge; acknowledging the little or the much they did give, even if it was only life itself; praying for them; and walking, at whatever pace is possible, towards forgiveness, which is a process and not an instant. Sometimes honouring means caring from afar, with firm boundaries and a clean heart. And for anyone who had no father or mother, or had them and it was as though they did not, there is a word that does not fail:

“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.”

Psalm 27:10

God is “a father of the fatherless” and “setteth the solitary in families” (Psalm 68:5-6). Read Forgiveness in the Bible, How to forgive betrayal the way Jesus did and The true love of a Father revealed in Christ Jesus.

When they do not share our faith

Some sons and daughters have come to know Christ while their parents do not believe, or believe differently. The temptation is to preach at them on every visit. The opposite usually works better: a son or daughter who is more patient, more helpful, more grateful than before says more than many arguments. Honouring them also means respecting their pace. Pray for them in secret, answer when they ask, and leave to the Holy Spirit what only he can do.

When they have already gone

Honour does not end at the cemetery. We honour parents who have died by giving thanks for them, by living the good they taught, by telling their story to the grandchildren and by forgiving what was left unresolved. If what you did not say or do weighs on you, take it to God: he receives that burden too.

Christian traditions differ on this point: Catholics and Orthodox pray for their dead; most evangelical churches give thanks for them and entrust them to God’s mercy without praying for them. All of us can do the essential thing together: give thanks, trust in the God who “is not the God of the dead, but of the living,” and wait for the resurrection.

The heart of the children turned to their parents

The Old Testament ends with a promise about families:

“And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.”

Malachi 4:6

It is God who turns hearts. There are distances between parents and children that no advice can shorten, and that the Holy Spirit can. So before the difficult phone call, before the visit you dread, before you sit down beside that bed, pray. Read A prayer for our children.

Prayers for our parents

Of thanksgiving for my parents

Father in heaven, thank you for my father and my mother. For the nights they did not sleep, for the bread that was never lacking, or that they shared when it was, for what they kept to themselves so that I would not worry. As a child I did not see it; now I am beginning to understand. Forgive me the harsh answers, the calls I did not make, the time I refused them. Come, Holy Spirit, and put in my mouth the words of thanks I have not yet said to them, and the courage to say them while they live. Bless them, Lord, and keep them; make your face shine upon them, and give them peace. Amen.

For my elderly parents

Lord, my parents are growing old, and it hurts to see it. They tire, they forget, they are afraid of being a burden. You said: “even to hoar hairs will I carry you.” Hold them up. Guard their steps, their memory, their spirits. Deliver them from loneliness, which is the illness that hurts most. Come, Holy Spirit, Comforter, and keep them company in the long hours of the empty house. Give me patience when they repeat themselves, tenderness when they get things wrong, time when I have none. Let me never treat them as a nuisance. And may their last years be years of peace, close to you and close to their own. Do not cast them off in the time of old age. Amen.

For a sick father or mother

Lord Jesus, you who cared for your mother from the cross, look today on mine, look on my father. They are ill, and I do not know what to do with this fear. Lay your hand on this tired body. Ease the pain; give wisdom to the doctors; heal, if it is your will, and if the road is a different one, let them not walk it alone. Come, Holy Spirit, and fill this room with peace. Take away the dread. Give me strength to care, and words—or silence—when I do not know what to say. I thank you for every day you still lend them to me. They are in your hands. Amen.

To be reconciled with my father or mother

Lord, between my father and me—between my mother and me—there is a silence that has lasted too long. We both have our reasons, and we are both tired. I do not know how to take the first step; my pride is heavy and I am afraid of rejection. You promised to turn the heart of the children to their parents: begin with mine. Come, Holy Spirit, and soften what has hardened in me. Show me my part, and give me the humility to ask forgiveness for it without demanding anything in return. Prepare their heart before I arrive. Do not let death find us like this. Give me the courage to call today. Amen.

For a father or mother who hurt me

My God, you know what I lived through at home. You know what was done to me, or what I went without, and how long I have been carrying it. I am not going to tell you it did not happen, or that it did not hurt. I find it hard even to name it before you. But I do not want this wound to rule my life or to be inherited by my children. Come, Holy Spirit, and go into those memories; heal the child I was. Teach me what a father is by looking at you. Today I cannot feel affection; I ask only not to return evil for evil. I place that person in your hands, for you judge with justice and with mercy. Begin forgiveness in me, and give me wisdom to set the boundaries I need. Though my father and my mother forsake me, you will take me up. Amen.

For my parents who do not know Christ

Lord, my parents gave me much, and I would like to give them the best I have: you. I have not known how. Sometimes I have said too much; sometimes I have kept quiet out of cowardice. You love them more than I do. Come, Holy Spirit, and do what my words cannot: touch their hearts, remove their prejudices, heal the wounds that badly lived religion left in them. Put in their path someone they will listen to. And let them see in me, in my patience and my care, something of Jesus. Give them time, Lord, and give them light. May we one day pray together. Amen.

Of the son or daughter who cares

Lord, I am tired. Caring for my mother, for my father, is costing me sleep, patience and sometimes my health. I do it out of love, and yet there are days when I get angry, when I want to run away, and then I feel guilty. You know all that and do not condemn me. Thank you for letting me give back a little of what I received. Come, Holy Spirit, and renew my strength this morning. Give me gentle hands and gentle words. Move my brothers and sisters to share this load, and give me the humility to ask for help. Remind me that what I do for one of the least of these, I do for you. And take care of me while I take care of them. Amen.

For my parents who have died

Lord, my parents are gone, and the house has fallen silent. I thank you for them: for their lives, their hands, what they taught me without noticing. There are things I never managed to tell them; I tell them to you, who lose nothing. Forgive me what I still owed them, and help me forgive what they still owed me. I place them in your mercy, which is greater than my memory. Come, Holy Spirit, Comforter, into this absence. Teach me to honour them by living the good they sowed in me. And uphold my hope in the day when there will be no more goodbyes. Amen.

Frequently asked questions

Do I have to obey my parents as an adult? You owe them respect, gratitude and care, not a child’s obedience. Listen attentively to their advice; the decision and the responsibility are yours.

Does honouring them mean letting them decide in my marriage? No. Marriage forms a new home. Parents are honoured without allowing their opinion to divide husband and wife.

If they mistreated me, am I obliged to look after them? You are called not to return evil for evil and not to abandon them to destitution, but no one can require you to expose yourself to fresh harm. Sometimes care is given from a distance or through others. Seek counsel.

What if they live far away? Honour travels: a regular call, financial help, a visit when possible, and daily prayer.

Closing prayer

Our Father, you willed that we should come into life through a father and a mother. I thank you for mine, with what they got right and what they got wrong. Teach me to give them weight in my life: to listen to them, to thank them, to care for them when they can no longer manage alone. Come, Holy Spirit, and turn my heart towards them and theirs towards me. Heal what is broken between us. Give me the tenderness of Jesus, who in his worst hour remembered his mother. Keep them in your peace today; go with them in their old age; receive them, when the day comes, into your house. And may my children learn, by watching me, how to honour. Amen.